Why am I always pushing so hard?
For most of our lives, we’ve gotten the message that we have to get ahead — from our parents, from our teachers, from the media. We are a society of over-doers.
We are programmed to “do” a lot — it keeps us engaged and makes us feel productive and in control. Even when most of us “try” to relax, we go about it in a zealous, goal-oriented way. When I first discovered yoga, I felt the need to take classes seven days a week for three years, then sign up for a teacher training. All my efforts at relaxation used to be about “getting better.”
Whether it’s from our endless to-do list or that feeling that we have to “get it right,” we are pushed and pulled all the time. Somehow, we believe that if we stop working so hard, it will not be okay. We will not be okay. And this creates a lot of stress.
The how and the why are typically informed in part by our family experiences. I grew up in a family of boys. I felt that to be seen and get approval I had to succeed in certain measurable ways. I always had to be getting better: better grades, better position, better job. I wasn’t enough just by being me in the world.
As a young woman, I wanted to feel valuable. I always felt valued when I worked. So I worked more. More jobs. More assignments. Better titles.
The ways I pushed, took on so much and pushed some more, eventually led to three major health crises during my 20s and 30s: a year-long bout with chronic fatigue following a marathon, panic attacks after the death of a family member, and a complete physical collapse after three sleep-deprived years caring for my ill infant. Each of these breakdowns pulled my emergency break — forced me to slow to an excruciatingly painful and slow crawl. I was a strong, can-do person — and then, suddenly, I wasn’t.
I now have reverence for my burnout, my anxiety, and the way that I dropped completely. These trials were my teachers. Again, I ask: Why am I always pushing so hard?
Stress Begets Stress
When we’re overdoing it, pushing ourselves around too hard, it feels as if we’re forever either running towards or away from something. Our nervous system is left to think, “Oh, if you’re running, things must not be okay. I’ll help! I’ll give you more of what you need to run!” That “help” sets off a whole series of not terribly healthy events in our body and in our mind — that keep us running on our limited fuel supply.
On top of all this, our habit of running around, conquering our to-do lists and energizing ourselves with coffee and ambition, can often be a way we avoid deep discomforts and unwelcomed feelings in the body and mind. Slowing down and pausing, can not only be difficult for our nervous systems, for our very survival, but can also make us feel so emotionally vulnerable that it is often just easier to keep on pushing.
Slowing Down on Purpose
Relaxation of the mind and the body is a learned skill. True relaxation is a conscious and intentional activity. We’re working with (and against) a system that is designed to not let its guard down easily.
Conscious relaxation asks us to stop engaging in all the doing and face what we really need to look at about ourselves. To learn about, befriend, and care for the whole of ourselves in a way we are not used to. For true renewal, this is an essential step for health and healing. Many people believe relaxing is about letting go. Rather than throw out, try to allow more space for what’s uncomfortable and create space for the full experience of who we are.
As we learn to slow down, pause, get grounded, grow present, and relax more deeply, we can be with ourselves and one another in a new way.
Pause Here Now
Conscious relaxation starts with pausing. Pause with me now.
Notice the support under your body. Let the ground hold you up. Allow your breath to arrive in your body. Feel your breath move through your body, expanding your ribs as it flows in, softening you as it flows out.
Relax on purpose — jaw dangling, shoulder blades draping down your back, hands unfurling.
Pausing is an activity that’s accomplished exactly the way you’d think: Just stop for a bit. It is a small break that we take on purpose to gather ourselves. It’s a tool to relax more deeply that we can use to release tension in our bodies and in our minds.
Pausing is not only a useful skill for slowing down moment by moment for day-to-day living, but as it’s also an always-available activity, we can apply it regularly to transform our lives.
When we pause, we take a moment to be with ourselves, right here, right now, in whatever state we’re in. We don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to feel any particular way. Pausing gives us extra room to take things in. It allows us time to listen to ourselves before responding or reacting. It gives us more time to work with what is uncomfortable. It allows us to see the sacredness and joy that is also always here within us.
When we practice pausing regularly, slowing down and returning to the present, we can choose to respond to the people and events in our lives from a place that’s more calm, clear, and open rather than react from old habits or stories that no longer serve us. We pause so we can pay attention to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us in a more compassionate way.
The more we practice on purpose, the more our practice is there for us in both the challenging and celebratory moments of our lives.
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Join meditation and yoga teacher Jillian Pransky in and explore the space between stimulus and response, where you can leave behind your habitual solutions and cultivate a living relationship with the present moment. As you learn to consciously relax into this space—the pause—and grow more grounded and present, you can open to a renewed sense of clarity, wisdom, and wholeheartedness. Join us for A Sacred Summer Pause: Expanding Our Capacity For Calm, Connection, Compassion, And Joy, August 16 – 23, 2025!
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About Jillian Pransky:
Jillian Pransky is an international presenter and the author of Deep Listening: A Healing Practice to Calm Your Body, Clear Your Mind, and Open Your Heart. As a certified yoga therapist and meditation teacher, she leads retreats, yoga teacher trainings, and restorative workshops—both in person and online—for students all over the world.
For almost 30 years, she’s been teaching the principles of pausing and deep listening through restorative and slow flow yoga and mindfulness practices. Her message is simple but potent: slowing down, turning inward, and deeply listening to our body and heart is perhaps the most meaningful form of self-care work we can do. When we are more compassionate and connected with ourselves, we are able to be more compassionate and connected with others and the world around us.
Jillian gave a TEDx Talk on metta meditation; created and leads Yoga Journal‘s online course Restorative Yoga 101; and is a featured yoga expert to magazines such as Prevention, Mindful, Yoga Journal, Yoga International, and more. A student of Pema Chödrön’s work since 1998, Jillian infuses her yoga classes with mindfulness practices, compassion, and ease. Jillian’s seamless style of working simultaneously with the body, mind, and spirit, while attuning with nature and the environment, creates inspiring classes, community connections, and an integrative healing experience.
Learn more about Jillian: jillianpransky.com