Take a moment to remember the last time you felt happy…and I’m not talking about “top of the world happy,” just that simple kind of happy that involves having an inner smile, a sense of peace and contentment, and a freedom from most worries and concerns. That’s the type of happiness most of us are wanting. If we’re lucky we might feel this type of happiness a couple times a day, say when we greet a beautiful morning with a warm cup of coffee. Or while lying in savasana after a great yoga class. Or when arriving home to find our dog eagerly wagging her tail in anticipation of us coming through the door. These are the types of things that can easily bring a smile to our face and a joyful outlook for what else the day offers.
Unfortunately, moments like those described above…as much as they may happen…never seem to happen often enough to satisfy our desire for more of them. They can so easily be replaced by not-so-happy thoughts and feelings. A thought/feeling that’s lingering in the background of our awareness that things “just aren’t right.” When this state of mind appears, and it does far too often, we are vulnerable to experiences like:
— Not wanting to get out of bed.
— Having a hard time motivating ourselves to do routine tasks.
— Feeling self-critical and having doubts about ourselves.
— Overeating and/or using alcohol or drugs to feel better or escape.
— Feeling tired, de-energized, and listless.
— Moving through the day as if in a trance, feeling bored or restless.
— Having repetitive thoughts about not wanting to do things that need doing.
When several of the things listed above happen with too much frequency, day after day, we might begin to think we’re depressed…and we very well could be. But what’s for sure is that we’re definitely NOT feeling happy!
So why does this happen? Why can we not maintain the buzz of happiness for longer periods of time, and with more frequency, than we do? In my work as a private practice psychologist, I’ve found that there are three types of thinking that result in the loss of our happy feelings…Worrying, Wanting, and “Nexting.”
“Worrying” – This one needs little explanation. We tend to know it quite well. Research suggests that of the approximately 60,000 thoughts humans have every day, over 25% involve worry. Do I look ok? Did what I just say sound stupid? If I keep eating like this I’m going get fat! The list of these types of worry, about our appearance, finances, relationships, health, and so on, is endless!
“Wanting” – We’re quite familiar with this habit, too. “I want to sleep better, look younger, make more money, drive a nicer car, have a flatter tummy or a tighter tush.” This type of thinking almost always takes the wind out of our sails and leads to sighs of disappointment.
“Nexting” – This may sound like a new concept, but it’s easily recognized as occupying a common role in our lives It involves frequently thinking about what we want, or need, to do next (and here’s the important part)…while doing what we’re currently doing. Nexting is a practice of mindless behavior. When engaged in nexting we’re not fully engaged in doing what we’re doing. For instance, while sitting comfortably in a favorite chair, sipping on a freshly brewed cup of rich Sumatran coffee, we’re nexting about the traffic we’ll face on the way to work. Or about how our email box is going to be bursting at the seems. Needless to say, Nexting is a serious problem for us all…a true thief of happiness!
Worrying, Wanting, and Nexting all occur more when we’re operating on auto-pilot, that mindless state that occurs when we’re over-stimulated, stressed, or tired. Our goal is to recapture some of the lost positive mental horsepower so it can be rechanneled to increase our sense of happiness, and prevent the trap of negative thinking.
To do this, practice by first becoming more aware of when you slip into Worrying, Wanting, Nexting . When it happens, identify which one(s) you’re using, bring a smile to your face (a physical smile, regardless of how you feel), and become more mindful of where you are, what you’re doing, and the beauty of that moment. For example (using the situation mentioned previously), you notice you’re worrying about work while sitting in your chair, sipping coffee. You identify that you’re worrying, smile, and bring your mind back to the comfort of your chair, the exquisite taste of the coffee, and this wonderful time you’ve created for yourself.
With practice you’ll find you can identify and let go of Worrying, Wanting, and Nexting more quickly, forestalling the resulting feelings of unhappiness, and get back to enjoying the special moments of your day!
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Join David and Augusta Kantra to rediscover the being beneath all the doing. This retreat will be a chance to re-engage with the essence of who you are; a chance to slow down to the speed of nature, to unplug, to explore and discover what it means to live wholeheartedly, September 21 – 27, 2025, “Hooked On A Feeling: Yoga, Mindfulness and Guided Reflections Retreat.”
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ABOUT DR. DAVID KANTRA:
David is a graduate of the University of Denver & University of Notre Dame. He works as a private-practice Clinical Psychologist, Business Consultant, & Life Transition Mentor. In his almost 40 years of clinical experience, he has remained an avid student of life, always striving to understand the nature of being, the process of finding purpose and meaning in our lives, and teaching others simple, applicable ways to go about making their lives more calm, satisfying, and meaningful.
In this vein, much of David’s effort are focused on developing and facilitating his wife Augusta and his year-long courses and retreats, where participants gain insight into what they feel is missing from their lives, decide how they want to write the next chapter of their lives, and learn how to go about doing so.
Learn more about David: centerforlivingmindfully.com